Awhile

Been thinking about maybe making a vlog. We want to go camp way more this year. Figured that'd be a good place to start. Hopefully doing other stuff as well. Ive been wanting to do that for awhile but never really had the guts to do it. I wanted to when I was in high school because I did so much crazy stuff during that time. But it's long from that now. So now maybe I should rekindle that thought. Nothing I could lose in that more of a gain sort of thing. Mostly I would do it just for the fun of it and being able to look back on these mini movies of my life. Better to have something to look back on. 

Dream

Pretty rainy day at work today. Mostly mellow which is never really the case. When it can be a mellow day usually theres always someone always stressed making your day NOT so mellow. I find myself looking out in the distance when times are a little rough. Mostly out in the mountains taking it all in. It might sound strange but I tend to block all the noise and take it all in. More like being on earth thinking sometimes thinking If I was living in a small cabin with no one around up on a mountain. Really wouldn't mind that. 

Glad

 I was feeling like crap today but I gained the will to get up and get to work. Even tho I felt like that I still had an okay day actually. Sometimes the people you work with make the day better. I work in construction by the way if I didn't mention that before. I kinda do a lot of stuff mainly operate heavy equipment and do some laboring. It's hard work but it's nice that you like the people you work with. Still wished I was home. Whenever I talk to my boss or something he's like you must not like money if you like to go home. I told him that I would just rather be home to be with the people I love and do other stuff. Still I remember I had talked to him and said that I was mad because It was a shit day and I got frustrated at myself for still not knowing that I feel passionate about. He was like oh so you don't like it here. I mean of course I don't mean that. If I didn't like it there I wouldn't work there. I mean go where the money is right. 

Maybe I'll go out and spend a few days out in the woods to clear up my mind. Or something else not sure what people do to clear up their minds.

First

Anyone ever been stuck in a situation where they're working at have no idea what they want to do with their life's? Im only 22 but still I've been going the depression of like man I really need to do something with my life I need to make lots of money so I can actually be free and do what I want. Watching all these YouTube/ media stars have really carved a fantasy in life where all of these young people especially this generation have the feeling where they need to be like them right? Or is it just me. Even then I wouldn't mind the money. 

It's not like I'm broke or anything I guess I shouldn't be complaining. I have a good paying job my girl friend has a job and we both tend to split everything when it comes to big purchases. Mostly trips. 

For some reason I get into this deep depression about thinking of death which freaks me out so much I can't sleep at night and I gotta be on my phone till I pass out. Which then makes me think later on like huh why shouldn't we experience life how we want. You only have one... well one depending on what you believe in. Still going back to the point of being able to see what the world has to offer. As in traveling wherever you want. I know thats a dream but why should someone have to work in an office for 8 hours a day 5 days a week just waiting for the 2 days they have freedom. I know people will say oh well just work hard and grind for years then you can, MAYBE. I'm just like why can't you just enjoy life for the time that you have. Maybe thats just my far fetched dream that I've had for a long time. 

Ive just been frustrated with myself. Wanting something more. Wanting a life where I can take care of my whole family and show them the world. But I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I don't have that drive that focus on something that I love to do passionately. 

I heard that if you do something you hate for long time you'll be able to figure out what you want to do with your life. That has not happened yet surprisingly. 

Maybe tomorrow I'll figure something out.